Actually, since I turned 50, I decided to start subtracting a year on every birthday instead of adding one, so last Sunday I turned 34. Of course, if I tell people I am 34, they are going to take one look at me and think that I have been "rode hard and put up wet", as some Arizona cowboy told me once.
I haven't quite figured out how to break it to my son, who will be 30 this month (which traumatizes the bejesus out of me all by itself), that I am now only 4 years his senior.
He'll jusy give me the "look"-you Mothers out there all know what that look is when you do or say something that mortifies them and makes them groan and roll their eyes.
At least I could eat all the cake I wanted because of my other law that any cake celebrating a birthday, wedding, anniversary, Independence Day or any holiday in any country where you can speak their language, Bar or Bat Mitzveh, Rite of Spring and a few others I'm sure I have forgotton have no calories.
I won about $50 of Ghirardelli chocolates in another online sweepstakes and fortunately, my sister, Sue, said that they also qualified for the rule too, so I have been rotting my teeth out every night in utter bliss.
You've got to have something to lift your spirits when your friends are dealing with ovarian cancer, breast and colon cancer scares, brain tumors or Parkinson's and you have already lost thre friends who are my age or younger to cancer, strokes amd heart attacks.
You would think it would scare me into going to the nearest fat farm, starvation diet or something drastic, but it has the opposite effect. It makes me want to eat everything bad for me because you never know when your turn will come and then they make you eat all this disgusting stuff for the rest of your life.
It's bad enough when you go to see a movie based on a book you read, albeit a while ago, and you have so much trouble following the plot, you doze off in the middle of it....
I don't think I will ever get back to a "normal life". I usually go to sleep between 3-4 a.m. and sleep past noon. It is so peaceful at night with no one bothering me, getting into my face or fighting with me over the remote. I sleep when I'm tires, eat when I'm hungry and get to watch all the old movies and "blue" Ron White shows on Comedy Central and laugh my ass off, listen to music and have an "ugly cry" or read or fool around with my i-Pad and try to figure out how to use the wonderful Bluetooth keyboard L.D. and Yaffit sent me for my birthday. I may have to make an appointment with an Apple genius or a five year old to figure it out.
I guess it could be worse. About halfway through "Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy", the geezer behind me asked his wife when he was going to see Tom Cruise. Took him all that time to figure out he was in the wrong movie, but judging from their conversations afterwards, they didn't understand the plot or the accents. They should provably stick to "Finding Nemo" or movies that are closed captioned on t.v.
Then to top it off, a couple of them, who shouldn't be driving anymore, especially at night, almost killed me in the parking lot. And the rest of the world is worried about terrorist attacks! They should spend a weekend in South Florida and wherever they came from would look infinitely safer!
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